Does anyone know of any jobs that my beard, Oliver, might be qualified to perform? It turns out, maintaining Oliver’s quality of living requires a pretty penny.
It’s been entirely too long since I’ve made a proper list. So.
Reasons why Oliver is bleeding my wallet like a tween vampire hero:
1. I go through a TON of shampoo and conditioner. Literally, in four months I’ve had to buy three bottles of shampoo and two bottles of conditioner.
2. Lotion. See #1. And see the creepy beard lotion video blog.
3. Alcohol costs more. This one is a bit of a stretch. But now when I go out with my boys, knowing that I look like young Santa Claus I have a harder time talking to random women. Hence… more alcohol. Hence more money.
4. Food costs more. With the growing excess of food that ends up in Oliver’s grasp on a meal-by-meal basis, to fill up the tank,I have to either (sub-list!):
a. buy more food. or…
b. eat pre-bearded food
5. Gas costs more. I believe with all the extra weight I’m carrying around as he piggy-backs on my face, it’s really hurting my gas-mileage.
6. Miscellany expenses. Combs, brushes, napkins, wax for the moustache, holding paste for the beard, a bat to keep the ladies away… the list goes on.
So with those bills piling up… I think it’s time that Oliver started helping out the team. I mean, he’s just resting on his laurels. I mean, my shoulders are broad and they can take the weight, but it would be nice if he at least OFFERED to do something productive besides lookin’ good.
Unfortunately, almost every job I can think of requires either arms or legs or hands, or a brain. Most of the jobs that come to mind (lumberjack, hair model, Prophet, Snow White’s tiny assistant) are really jobs that he qualifies ME for, and I have no time for another job. So come on, Oliver. Step your game up.
242 Days to go…