Oliver Needs A Job


Does anyone know of any jobs that my beard, Oliver, might be qualified to perform?  It turns out, maintaining Oliver’s quality of living requires a pretty penny.

It’s been entirely too long since I’ve made a proper list.  So.

Reasons why Oliver is bleeding my wallet like a tween vampire hero:

1. I go through a TON of shampoo and conditioner.  Literally, in four months I’ve had to buy three bottles of shampoo and two bottles of conditioner.

2.  Lotion.  See #1.  And see the creepy beard lotion video blog.

3.  Alcohol costs more.  This one is a bit of a stretch.  But now when I go out with my boys, knowing that I look like young Santa Claus I have a harder time talking to random women.  Hence… more alcohol. Hence more money.

4.  Food costs more.  With the growing excess of food that ends up in Oliver’s grasp on a meal-by-meal basis, to fill up the tank,I have to either (sub-list!):

             a.  buy more food.  or…

             b.  eat pre-bearded food

5.  Gas costs more.  I believe with all the extra weight I’m carrying around as he piggy-backs on my face, it’s really hurting my gas-mileage. 

6.  Miscellany expenses.  Combs, brushes, napkins, wax for the moustache, holding paste for the beard, a bat to keep the ladies away… the list goes on.

So with those bills piling up… I think it’s time that Oliver started helping out the team.  I mean, he’s just resting on his laurels.  I mean, my shoulders are broad and they can take the weight, but it would be nice if he at least OFFERED to do something productive besides lookin’ good. 

Unfortunately, almost every job I can think of requires either arms or legs or hands, or a brain.  Most of the jobs that come to mind (lumberjack, hair model, Prophet, Snow White’s tiny assistant) are really jobs that he qualifies ME for, and I have no time for another job.  So come on, Oliver.  Step your game up. 

Unemployed, free-loading beard.


242 Days to go…



1 Comment

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One response to “Oliver Needs A Job

  1. chris

    how about a destination for hamsters or gerbils when their owners are on vacation?

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