The Problem with Superheroes

I have a high opinion of my readers.  I go ahead and assume that you are pretty bright.  Obviously you were smart enough to start reading this blog, so why don’t you give yourself a well-deserved pat on the back, smart guy?

Because I already know that you are smart, I figure you have deduced that I’m a pretty giant nerd.  And you are right.  I AM a pretty big nerd.  I read fantasy novels.  I play chess.  I watch Jeopardy voluntarily.  These all pretty much qualify me as a nerd.  It’s cool, I own my nerd-dom.  But one nerdy thing I never got into was comic books.  Just wasn’t my cup of tea.  And I assumed back in junior high that I already had enough opportunities to get beaten up. 

Plus, I think, even before I was old enough to grow a beard I knew.  I just KNEW.  I knew that a hero couldn’t REALLY be super without a beard.  And just look at all these guys in there fancy pajamas… not a beard in the bunch…

Beardless... the whole super lot of 'em


You can see why villains were always trying to get up in their business.  How are you supposed to intimidate someone when your face is so blatantly naked?  Metropolis, Gotham City, and the Throne of Poseidon are all in some serious trouble.  I think that the tight underpants are draining all their testosterone. 

Amazingly, it’s not just that super heroes don’t WEAR beards.  In fact, they HATE beards.  There is even a superhero who’s only job is to hunt down people who wear them!  When will beard persecution end?  This man could be tracking me RIGHT NOW…

The text says he HATES me. Weak.

I’m not saying, I’m just saying.   Think of how much safer innocent cartoon bystanders would feel if they were being protected by a Batman who looked like this…

Maybe the mask should be altered to accomodate.


I’m sure that somewhere in my rabid readership there is someone sufficiently nerdy to find a bearded superhero.  But my hope is that there is someone TALENTED enough to turn me INTO a bearded superhero.  Oliver and I can fight crime.  (Captain Caveman was NOT a superhero).

Just something to mull over…




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2 responses to “The Problem with Superheroes

  1. Steph

    The new re-incarnation of Aquaman on Batman: The Brave and the Bold has an illustrious, golden beard.

    There are also a couple of times where Green Arrow rocked out some facial hair – though I’m not sure what you consider to be the defining characteristics of a “beard”. I mean, he’s not clean-shaven, at least.

    P.S. (I don’t think The Venture Brothers qualifies under the “superhero” label. However, when you first posed the question, the necromancer Dr. Orpheus and Rusty Venture came to mind as quasi-crime fighters sporting chin sprouts.)

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