Cops and Styling Paste

Ok, this will be a short one, but I didn’t want to go three days without posting despite the holiday busy-ness. 

The holidays for me are a lot of driving.  I’m not asking for any sympathy, as I’m sure many people travel quite a bit farther than I do to see family, and I’m equally sure that there are people who don’t get to see their families at all.  Which is sad.  But I do have to drive about four hours to visit my extended family in Evansville, Indiana.  Jealous much?  (And yes… I’ve heard every possible variation of the joke about how Evan is from Evansville.  I dare you to think of a new one.) 

But between making the four hour drive two times, I also have to drive across Evansville to get from my mom’s side of the family to dad’s.  Add that to the increased holiday presence of police officers crowding the road and you get a recipe for disaster.  FORTUNATELY I generally follow the rules of the road to an almost embarassing extent.  Friends and family find the slowness of my driving to be a matter of mockery or frustration.  I just see it as good sense.  Despite my careful observation of the rules of this great land, I have gotten three tickets in my life (one in the last three months which was horribly unjust and if I had money I would hire a badass lawyer to dispute it).  In my wayward youth I drove like a madman and got a ticket for driving in the 90’s… since then I have found that I’m not in such a hurry to get anywhere.

But this year I managed to navigate the pitfalls of accidents and pigs to make it home without incident.  However, I did see several cars pulled over, including a ridiculous looking souped-up (souped or sooped? suped?  I dunno.  I drive a Hyundai) Honda that had recently zipped by me.  I found that outrageously satisfying.  Why do we take such perverse pleasure in the misery of others?  Maybe that wasn’t the Christmas Spirit, but I pointed and laughed as I drove by.  Then I pulled over, got out of my car and High-fived the police officer writing him a ticket.  And then I slashed his tires.  It was awesome.

Anyway, tonight I’m going out with some friends for an annual exercise in alcohol, karaoke, and general frivolity.  To prepare for the event I took considerable time in the appearance of my beard.  After a bit of trial and error I have this piece of advice:

Sculpting paste or pomade are easily the best hair products for beards.  I’d imagine there are beard-specific products out there, but my family didn’t think to buy me any for X-mas and I have yet to do the research.  I’ll letchya know.

But pomade is the way to go.  Gel leaves your beard shiny and wet looking which is not a good look for facial hair.  Hairspray is sticky, which is not good on your face.  Sticky face = suckage.  A friend recommended mousse, but it turns out that mousse leaves your beard looking frizzy.  Maybe I shouldn’t have used the chocolate variety, but I thought it would be more presentable than the raspberry.

here is a man who is happy with his hair product

So take my word, pomade and/or sculpting paste is the way to go.  It leaves your beard in the shape you want with appropriate volume and life.  Don’t use more than one finger-tip worth or it gobs.

I hope you all had a very happy holiday, as I know I did, and I hope I got to see you or soon will.


*^* ended up not being that short afterall.  As we say in my family “If you only used one word when you could have used ten, then you just weren’t trying hard enough.”


1 Comment

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One response to “Cops and Styling Paste

  1. Your pronouns here suggest that you slashed a cop’s tires. Not that your tone implies you actually slashed anyone’s tires. I’m just saying.

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