I Need a Maid (who looks like Rachel McAdams)

First let me say that the world seemed to have a hard time believing that Natalie Portman and I are together.  Perhaps they will have an easier time believing that Rachel McAdams and I are having an affair.  I’m not saying, I’m just saying.

Ok, I’m not the neatest of guys.  I mean, I’m pretty neat as in “Wow, that guy is really  alright.  Yeah, he’s neat.”  But not in the sense that I clean up well after myself.  The time has been put off for a while now, but it has finally arrived… I HAVE to clean up the apartment.

It would be easier to convince my roommate that he is the slob and that I am not if he ever cooked at our apartment…but he doesn’t and these dishes are mine:

please don't ask what's in these

Or if he wore my clothes (which to the best of my knowledge he doesn’t).  So these are mine:

I MAY not have done laundry in a while

Therefore I have quite a few loads of laundry to do.  And quite a few dishes to do.  And various sundry other cleaning jobs.  And those facts make my face look like this…

Cleaning Face

So.  Here’s my problem with cleaning.  I LOVE for things to be neat.  And I actually feel really good when I get everything clean.  I, in fact, am a perfectionist.  The issue is that I am also legendarily lazy.  In a poll recently conducted by Newsweek** I came in as the second laziest man in America.  (I was narrowly beat out for the award by a guy I work with who hasn’t bothered changing pants in dang near three years.)

So the perfect world would give me a maid.  That way I could have my world as neat and tidy as I like without having to go through all that bother of actually cleaning things.  In that perfect world, said Maid would also look like either my girlfriend (Natalie Portman ((i call her Natty bear)))  or my mistress (Rachel McAdams).  If anyone can hook that up for me, I’d be grateful.  And ask them if they would mind cleaning my car, too.

**I have no documentation that Newsweek did a poll on that.  No proof whatsoever.  In fact, one might be so bold as to say that I made it up.

**&&**Results are in, and while only one person (Jesse O.) was with Cam on the order of shower operations, everyone seems to agree that brushing your teeth in the shower is gross.  I’m not sure that I can, in good conscience, call this a win for me.




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2 responses to “I Need a Maid (who looks like Rachel McAdams)

  1. Lisa Hilliard

    laughing my ass off evan….keep up the good work my bearded friend.

  2. Hahaha “cleaning face.”

    I love your writing style & wish you the best of luck in convincing anyone who looks like Rachel McAdams to be your maid!

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