My (eventual) Engagement to Natalie Portman

One fact about beards that seems to get lost in the shuffle is that they are babe magnets.  Not because they look great or because they are an obvious manifestation of testosterone-y goodness, but because women get stuck in them like velcro.

I figure it’s finally time for me to let you all in on my personal life.  So far this blog has kept you, the readers, at arm’s length.  I try to keep you mildly entertained and engaged with talk of my growing beard, but really, what do you know about me as a boyfriend?  You finally get to find out.

Natalie Portman and I have been quietly dating for about six years.  Yes, I know this comes as a surprise.  I can hear voices of dissent crying, “But Evan, come on!  You’re too good for her!  Sure she’s beautiful, brilliant, talented and rich… but don’t sell yourself short!  You can do better.”  And you’re probably right.  But there comes a point in a man’s life where he just has to start settling.

The logistics of our relationship are complicated.  She travels all the time and lives in a lavish home, whereas I reside in an apartment in glamorous Hamilton, Ohio with a balding roommate.  Obviously she’d rather spend more time with me and less time with gorgeous actors and genius directors, but hey, I need my space.

We met when I was a spry young thing of 21 at a yacht party off the coast of Mallorca.  She was immediately taken in by the goattee I was wearing at the time.  (I outgrew goattees once I realized that Colonel Sanders and Satan were’t good facial hair role models.)  As we’ve aged we have grown together as people.  She supports me in my horrible job, much as I supported her even after she made that terrible movie about cancer with Susan Sarandon.  It has “heart” or “home” or possibly both in the title.  Clearly not leaving her then was an act of compassion.

Now as my beard expands she likes to just sit for hours, watching it grow and asking if she can touch it.  I have to place limits, or I’d never get any blogging done. In real life she’s very sweet and charming and I think you’d like her, but she’s a bit clingy.

I only share this aspect of my private life as a sop to those who are curious.  Please, don’t sell this blog tip to the paparazzi, I have enough pictures taken of me already, and if we added our relationship to the gossip pages I fear it would be overwhelming.

I know... she's not good enough for me, but still...

You can totally see her attraction to this guy:

Could have any woman in the world (obviously)

FREE TIP OF THE DAY TO BEARD GROWERS OR WOULD-BE BEARD GROWERS… chicks dig the big beard.

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2 Comments

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2 responses to “My (eventual) Engagement to Natalie Portman

  1. Wow, this is amazing! Do beards cause complete delusion or just the hallucination?

  2. Rachael

    I hate to break this to you, but Natalie and I were married in Massachusetts three years ago. I’ve been allowing her these transgressions because we’re agreed to hold an open relationship. Your engagement to Natalie will never occur. But thanks for keeping her busy, she can be so tiresome.

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