Beard Bath

This entry was spawned by a disconcerting conversation I had with my roommate tonight.  Cameron (visit his link on my home page and/or visit his job site at and I got on to the subject of bathing because our shower drain had become uncomfortably clogged.  This led to me clearing the clog with a plunger so that I wouldn’t have to stand in knee-deep water while showering.

I mentioned that the excess of bath water around my ankles was particularly gross because I brush my teeth in the shower.  I know some people find that odd, but it is not the subject of this post.  He also brushes his teeth in the shower, and he commented that it didn’t bother him as much because he brushes his teeth last, leaving less time for his feet to marinate in the remains of stuff that was once in his mouth.

What ensued was an argument about proper shower order.  My order of operations is as follows:

1. Brush my teeth

2.  Wash hair and beard

3.  Sing classic Abba songs.

4.  Wash my body.

5.  Rinse and exit.

Cameron goes a different way, which I find nearly as repugnant as the idea of him being naked, even in the shower.  He goes:

1.  Wash body

2.  Wash hair  (he is sadly without beard)

3.  Brush Teeth

4.  Sing traditional folk songs of the West Indies

5.  Rinse and Exit

Here is the only argument that holds any merit, so far as I am concerned… you wash from top down.  End of discussion.  It just makes sense.  Gravitationally, and from a cleanliness standpoint.  I’d be interested to hear any justification for another order of operations.  His best (and only) reasoning for his routine was that it stemmed from his days taking actual baths, where it was imperative that he washed his hair last.  Even if I conceded that point, which I don’t think I do, I would still merely point out that such an order should have been dropped with other childish things.  Like diapers.

So I open it up to you, blog-world, am I crazy?  Is his order better than mine?  Don’t just say “that’s how I do it”.  Offer me some sort of sound logical basis. Give me a reason and proudly declare… BODY FIRST.  Or , as is appropriate, HAIR FIRST!

Where I Get Clean

But to bring this back to beards, I offer some elementary suggestions about beard cleanliness.  Use shampoo.  It’s hair, man, it shouldn’t be getting a crusty bar of soap.  Show a little respect.  Also, use a leave-in conditioner.  If you want the silky soft beard instead of a brillo pad on your face, condition it.  And really work the roots.  That’s why my beard has that glistening shine with no split ends.  Seriously, don’t just half-ass this.  Your beard will thank you.  And so will the ladies.  I suspect.


*%* I offer sincere apologies to anyone who inadvertantly pictured either Cameron or I naked as a result of this post.  Especially my family.  yikes.



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5 responses to “Beard Bath

  1. rachael

    Obviously, hair first makes the most sense. How would you get the shampoo and conditioner residue completely off of your skin unless you washed your body AFTER your hair? Though maybe the minuscule amount of product required to wash Cam’s hair doesn’t need anything more than a rinse. ZING.

  2. aubrey

    I agree with working from the top down. Why wash your body first when you’re just going to cover it with dirty soap water of your hair. While it is not really the subject, I can not let the brushing your teeth in the shower go. It is odd. Hopefully you don’t leave your tooth brush in the shower allowing it to get covered in each others nasty.

  3. Moo

    From the top down makes of course. As for those who want to know how to brush thier teeth in the shower….

  4. Jesse O

    1. wash and rinse face.

    2. wash and rinse body.

    3. chant ancient South Korean Buddhist prayers.

    4. wash and rinse hair. condition and rinse in the winter.

    5. exit and brush teeth (for a period in college i was brushing my teeth in the shower. i think you guys gave me the idea).

  5. Proper Order:

    1. Poop (MUST be done first)

    2. Wash Hair/Beard (though not as full as yours)

    3. Clean body from top down

    4. Exit shower to brush teeth…as brushing teeth in the shower is weird and gross.

    (note: care must be taken to make sure #1 and #2 are not switched)

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