As an update on my growth… here is where I am:
I have now reached the point where my beard stops growing ON my face and starts growing AWAY from my face. It’s a delicate and vital stage in beard development. Next it will start to question authority.
Much like Forrest Gump, I believe that beard is as beard does. So what can my beard do? I’ve been told by my adoring fans that my lists entertain you, so I hope that those two people were right, because here is a list of things my beard can do:
1. Cure raging cases of Hepatitis B. Not Hep C, as a few people have learned the hard way.
2. Itch. A lot. Like, a lot a lot. Turns out that a neck beard is extremely itchy and uncomfortable at this length. Face beard: fine. Neck beard: awful.
3. Strain soup.
4. Provide a glossy finish to most woodworking projects.
5. Beat Miss South Carolina in a spelling contest.
Ok. So maybe those are all fabricated except for number two. But I have, in the past few days absence (I know you all missed me) discovered that my beard does have an interesting new characteristic. It touches pretty much everything I eat. No amount of careful spoon or fork dodging seems to allow me to get food into my maw without brushing the face pelt. This is mostly awful.
I received a candy cane with a Christmas card from a co-worker the other day, and I love candy canes. I know it’s called a candy CANE but seriously, the shape is ridiculous. And the result of eating this candycane was that my beard was sticky and uncomfortable for the rest of the day. Washing my face in the restroom didn’t help. In fact, that maneuver seemed to spread the sticky awkwardness farther from my mouth and deeper into my beard. Pure awful. It hardened parts of my mustache into tiny, razor-sharp, sugar-coated spears. If you have a beard (kudos), allow me to reccomend breaking a candy cane into tiny pieces, then crushing it, and enjoying it through a straw rather than trying to eat it straight. I imagine that Fun Dip would have a similar problem.
But, shockingly, a tangerine was awesome!! Because it comes in handy bite-sized wedges, I managed not to get any of the actual juice in my beard. Plus, the citrusy smell lingered on my beard for hours, prompting several people to say that I smelled fresh and clean! (Not really, but people agreed when I mentioned it). So, chalk one up for healthy eating.
One mounting concern is the mighty burrito. Oh, well do I remember the battles I waged against my Four Month beard to enjoy my favorite meal. As my facial hair prowess becomes more and more defined, I’m afraid that I may need to develop some elaborate mechanism to keep my hair on my face and out of my mouth. This may include barrettes. Or duct tape. We’ll see.
Anyway Beardos, I’ll do my best not to stay away again so long again. I missed you all desperately.
*Adam B. has added on to the Virgin list! He mentions the Virgin Islands. How about that. The list goes on.
****!!!!**** HUGE THANK YOU TO MR. COREY A. FOR GIVING ME AN EARLY CHRISTMAS PRESENT!!!! MY BLOG IS NOW ACCESSIBLE FROM http://www.theyeard.com !!! How awesome is that?