For our Christmas party at work, we’ll be having a big catered lunch. I know, I know, but try not to be too jealous. Who wants a Christmas bonus or an extra day off when we can have mass-prepared lemon chicken and vegetarian lasagna?
Shockingly, the holiday festivities DON’T end there! At this catered lunch, the powers that be have decided that we should have a… wait for it… TALENT SHOW. Why? Because it’s not actually the multi-billion dollar pharmaceutical company that it appears, it’s actually a junior highschool.
Now for my problem. I’m an exhibitionist. I like to be the center of attention. Obviously. Hence the blog and the constant promotion of said blog. I would love to display some sort of talent at this show that makes everyone go “Wow, Evan is so cool and awesome and talented! We should reward him with first place and lots of badass prizes!” Or some reasonable facsimile thereof. So despite the completely awesome lameness of the talent show, I am MORE lame because I am desperate to be in it.
Unfortunately, I have no demonstrable talents. I am completely devoid of talent. I’m pretty good at a lot of things, but nothing that would wow anyone. Nothing that lasts the requisite 3-5 minutes.
Ideas that I considered and then discarded include:
1. Juggling three balls while singing the national anthem of Croatia.
2. An interpretative dance representing the shrinking habitat of the chinchilla.
3. Spinning a basketball on my hand while reciting the St. Crispin’s Day speech.
4. Eating two chipotle burritos in under five minutes. (seriously considered this one)
5. Reading a book and completely understanding it.
None of these seem ideal. In the end, my best talent is growing a beard. I suppose I could just say, “Hi, I’m Evan Floyd, and my talent is growing a beard.” And then just stand there for 3-5 minutes. Maybe pull out a ruler and give them a measurement? I don’t really know of a face that I could make that would look like I was trying harder to grow a beard WITHOUT looking like a face that represents constipation.
Clearly a little help would be greatly appreciated. Anyone with suggestions on what talent I could display can contact me here, or at evanfloyd13@gmail.com If I take your advice, I’ll credit you.
*Big props to Rachael K. for her mentioning of other “virgin” things. Forests. Ears/eyes, soil and land.
Also, thanks to Chris F. and Katharine P. for their suggestions on posts for today. Chris, I’ll definitely use that resource before the end of the yeard.
And, as always… you can see today’s whiskerino picture at http://whiskerino.org/2009/beards/welfarefun/
The Yeard's Blog 
You could sing a song from that Alice and Wonderland play you starred in elementary school.
Or in true junior high school spirit you could get together a couple of other guys and choreograph a dance to a boy band song.
Oh, wait, you wanted to wow people and win prizes. In that case, I’ve got nothing.
i’m not sure how much time you have between now and this talent show, but i think you should consider seeing how many things you can get people to do for you simply by batting your long, lustrous eye lashes at them. you could document this and create a 3-5 minute long Powerpoint presentation with custom animation and sound effects. that’s sure to wow a corporate crowd.
actually, now that i think about it, you could TOTALLY use the ppt idea for your beard growing talent. just come up with some charts and graphs that demonstrate current and future beard growth, perhaps even using some of your whiskerino photographs to enhance them. powerpoint with animation. that’s the key, evan.
do the terms sleeper, rock the baby, flying saucer, walk the dog or around the world ring a bell? of course they do. that’s right, a yo-yo demonstration. with a hand crafted holiday themed yo-yo a 5 to 60 minute display will be sure to mesmerize cubicle rat and management alike. a sure-fire way to get the whole office talking. just bring a piece of the previously mentioned lemon chicken to my mom’s on christmas and we’ll call it even.
How about a Carson Palmer look-alike?
i am inclined to believe you could take the whole enchilada with one convincing eeyore impersonation. you know i’m right.