For our Christmas party at work, we’ll be having a big catered lunch. I know, I know, but try not to be too jealous. Who wants a Christmas bonus or an extra day off when we can have mass-prepared lemon chicken and vegetarian lasagna?
Shockingly, the holiday festivities DON’T end there! At this catered lunch, the powers that be have decided that we should have a… wait for it… TALENT SHOW. Why? Because it’s not actually the multi-billion dollar pharmaceutical company that it appears, it’s actually a junior highschool.
Now for my problem. I’m an exhibitionist. I like to be the center of attention. Obviously. Hence the blog and the constant promotion of said blog. I would love to display some sort of talent at this show that makes everyone go “Wow, Evan is so cool and awesome and talented! We should reward him with first place and lots of badass prizes!” Or some reasonable facsimile thereof. So despite the completely awesome lameness of the talent show, I am MORE lame because I am desperate to be in it.
Unfortunately, I have no demonstrable talents. I am completely devoid of talent. I’m pretty good at a lot of things, but nothing that would wow anyone. Nothing that lasts the requisite 3-5 minutes.
Ideas that I considered and then discarded include:
1. Juggling three balls while singing the national anthem of Croatia.
2. An interpretative dance representing the shrinking habitat of the chinchilla.
3. Spinning a basketball on my hand while reciting the St. Crispin’s Day speech.
4. Eating two chipotle burritos in under five minutes. (seriously considered this one)
5. Reading a book and completely understanding it.
None of these seem ideal. In the end, my best talent is growing a beard. I suppose I could just say, “Hi, I’m Evan Floyd, and my talent is growing a beard.” And then just stand there for 3-5 minutes. Maybe pull out a ruler and give them a measurement? I don’t really know of a face that I could make that would look like I was trying harder to grow a beard WITHOUT looking like a face that represents constipation.
Clearly a little help would be greatly appreciated. Anyone with suggestions on what talent I could display can contact me here, or at firstname.lastname@example.org If I take your advice, I’ll credit you.
*Big props to Rachael K. for her mentioning of other “virgin” things. Forests. Ears/eyes, soil and land.
Also, thanks to Chris F. and Katharine P. for their suggestions on posts for today. Chris, I’ll definitely use that resource before the end of the yeard.
And, as always… you can see today’s whiskerino picture at http://whiskerino.org/2009/beards/welfarefun/