Santas and swine flu

The weather plays a serious roll in the overall goodness of a beard.  A guy with a huge beard in the winter?  Warm and burly.  A guy with a huge beard in the summer?  Sweaty and awkward.  Fortunately, the weather is turning brisk which increases my burl quotient exponentially.

For the next four, maybe five, months my beard will be a comfortable accessory.  I am pretty nervous about rocking nine months worth of growth next August, but thankfully that is a worry for another month.  Right now I am focused on the cold-weather benefits of my beard.  It’s like a delightful face scarf.  It’s the only reason why I could wish for ear hair.  My ears are the only part of my face that gets cold.  I’d be willing to trade a little bit of disgusting ear hair for a whole honking lot lot of wind protection.

Beyond being obviously stylish and warm, a winter beard also provides employment opportunities.  After a bit of research (thank you NPR) I’ve found that a quality Mall Santa can clear upwards of five hundred dollars per day!  What makes a run-of-the-mill Mall Santa into a QUALITY Mall Santa?  You guessed it… real facial hair.  And a real paunch.  Check and check.  Give me ten years or a bottle of white dye and I’m in.

Those are the clear benefits.  What about the gray areas?  How does a beard affect your immune system?  Will my hirsutedness protect me from swine flu?  There is a shockingly small amount of data available on this, but I am legitimately curious.  Is a beard a helpful filter, saving me from airborn diseases?  Or is it a dangerous net, grabbing and holding toxins close to my face?  I’m a little concerned that intense beard growth is actually how chlamydia spreads.  And remember… Chlamydia is NOT a flower.

And today was the first day of dealing with a serious beard drawback.  Condensation on the mustache.  You know how when it’s super cold outside you can see your breath?  Well, when you have a long enough mustache this fog collects on your face.  And then once it gets REALLY cold, this condensation will freeze on your upper lip, creating an uncomfortable set of beard-cicles.

A small price to pay for all of this funky sweetness.

-e-

Having a hard time seeing my beard grow?  The pictureless blog will be fixed this week.  But until then check out http://whiskerino.org/2009/beards/welfarefun/archive/ to monitor my progress.

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1 Comment

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One response to “Santas and swine flu

  1. aubrey

    For the record I enjoy your blogs very much. However,I am family and does my enjoyment count? Anyway, earhair?

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