Beard Envy

I realize that I’m not terribly far into this process.  I have been growing a beard now for a little over thirty-five days.  Just under 10% of my eventual beard is now on my face.  But I feel very territorial about my beard.  I feel like it should always be the best, most awesome-hogging beard going.  But the problem is, with my current beard size, this is just not the case.

Tonight I went to an art gallery.  It was the opening of an exhibit that seemed to be focused on demented goat heads and what my friend described as “dudes that look like Garbage Pail kids”.  It was interesting and I’m not sad that I went (even though it was like six degrees inside).

Now, I don’t know how much time you spend at progressive art scene openings… but let me tell you a little something about the people who showed up.  I loved them!  They were an awesome mix of pleasant hippies and not-quite pretentious hipsters.  It was delightful!  They made me so happy.  There were a plethora of Chuck Taylor All Stars and knit caps.  There were lots of black clothes, and plaid clothes.  Either or.  Sometimes skinny black jeans with a plaid shirt.  I really really liked these people.  They were friendly and welcoming and conversationally engaging.

Having said how much I liked these people, I will now admit that I hated one guy.  I never actually spoke to him.  He may have been awesome.  But I was too intimidated by him to find out.  He was rocking a beard that made my beard cry little itty bitty beard tears.  It was red and angry looking.  His beard at one point critiqued a painting while sipping hot chocolate.  The only thing that saved me from leaving in shame was that he also had immensely long dreadlocks.  Which knocked him down off his cool pedestal a little.

The lesson is this…  for the next five months I will have to come to grips with the fact that I won’t always have the biggest beard in the room.  Until that glorious day, I will just have to suck it up.  But for the record… five months from now… anyone I see with a bigger beard than mine will be challenged to a beard duel.  (For those of you who don’t know: a beard duel involves unicorns and graffiti).



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