Biblical Proportions

I’m not worried. I’m not panicking. But seriously, a year is a long time. Not in the grand scheme of human history, but in the grand scheme of my facial hair. I recently took a quick peek at my beard on day 34 of the 2007 whiskerino… and I think it’s possible that my face may have kicked it up a notch this year. Which would be intimidating. If that bonus growth can be extrapolated out over the remainder of my four months and then the year overall… it’s possible that my Yeard may be comparable to several of the old dudes in the old testament.

Please, I’m not COMPARING myself to, say, Moses. I’m just saying that we may have similar beards. I have never tried to part a Sea, though I did part a puddle once. It wasn’t a big puddle. Plus I would not do well with wandering around in a desert for forty years. I imagine I’d be pretty whiny after, I dunno, like, the first three hours. I burn easily. And I think I’d probably get pretty dehydrated. That whole burning bush thing was pretty cool, too.

But while, in terms of miracles, I probably don’t stack up too well with Moses, I’ll take him on follicle for follicle. The movies (which are surely historically accurate) indicate that he had a pretty rocking beard. But how long did that take him? I’m convinced that when my year is through, I’ll have a yeard that puts Charlton Heston (i swear, in the 10 commandments, that thing looked fake) to shame.

To review the tale of the tape:

AGE-

MOSES= REALLY OLD (::-VS-::) EVAN= 27

MIRACLES-

MOSES= YES (::-VS-::) EVAN= INCONCLUSIVE

BEARD-

MOSES= AWESOME (::-VS-::) EVAN= MORE AWESOME

I’m not saying, I’m just saying.

-e-

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